Thursday, January 26, 2006

I Had A Lover, It's So Hard To Risk Another

i don't drive to work until 230. i would like these morning hours to be sweet and quiet. to go walking water my plants watch the sun, rise, outside, not on my stomach with sleep in my eyes. much of the time i am uninspired by philadelphia and fruitless green leafs overhead, oversleep, and the hours before 9 when the world still has some of its magic are replaced with the drop of the 10 o'clock mail and the pane of light full across my room now against the plants that still need watering. roommates tires spin out, remind me the house is only mine for the morning. when noone's looking, so i hear, you're supposed to be most yourself, make your best secrets and this morning and most mornings, noone's looking. but i've overslept and the refrigerator magnet quote is all the poetry i have (live like theres no tomorrow, love like youve never been hurt, dance like noone's watching). darn.

but, in case you were wondering, when noone's, in fact, looking...i rearrange my books. sweep the kitchen floor. expect god, especially when noone's else does. think about sermons and count my ribs. count my change. check my stomach. suck in. miss you. reread letters, breath harder, we didn't know what was coming did we. pray but my lower back hurts so i stop.make coffee. address letters with middle names included (contrary to parental, you're-in-trouble-mister full name usage, i do this as a way to say i like who you are and the way your name sounds, every bit of it) water the plants. wait for the mail. watch bad tv shows. wish i could sing like john legend. still think about that letter and how its addressed to ash. my parents never call me ash. people only call me ash if they're being lazy, making a joke, or are a dear, comfortable friend who has settled into the idea that i might just be every bit as different silly serious ordinary as all those things i do when noone's looking.

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